i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
