If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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