Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
