Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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