The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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