that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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