we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
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Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
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Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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