I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
