My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
