Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Randomize
