I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
