the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
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Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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