fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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