maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
