My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
