I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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