I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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