when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
