This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
