Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
