The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
