All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
