I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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