He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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