He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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