that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
