All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
PANTIES FOUND
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