I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
