I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
