There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
