So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
