I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
