He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
