I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
