I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
