my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
