I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
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