I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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