Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
