It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
