Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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