Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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