My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
