did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
