is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
