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if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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