dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
