I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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