Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
