I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
