i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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