Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
