Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
