Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
