its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
