I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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