She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
