This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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