My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
