sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
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