I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
A bitchslap is in order.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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