I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
