I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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